I haven't been this sober since birth.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That was an excessively violent trivia night
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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