nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
