A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
