she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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