I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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