im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
