Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
