You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
