Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
