I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
