I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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