WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
