I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
