Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
