i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
