It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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