Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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