forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
