thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
