I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i've created a new STD.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
