I'm eating all of the evidence.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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