I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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