I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
