i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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