yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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