Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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