the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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