I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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