so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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