life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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