i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
