I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
