Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
