why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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