theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
