He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
