I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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