the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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