it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
