Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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