Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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