She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
