Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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