This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
