In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
