Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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