singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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