did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
