We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
