Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
