I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
